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……and on a lighter note…..
Doctor's Surgery
Many of you who were on the 88 Gulf trip will recall we had an excellent ship's newspaper called - "The Manchester Evening News".
One of the regular contributors was "The Doctor" who was always available to give guidance and advice if any of our readers were troubled or upset. When he heard of this particularly disturbing story he quickly agreed to come out of retirement and offer advice.
Dear Doctor,
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband, who has recently retired from the Royal Navy, in the house. I had only gone a few cables down the road when the engine conked out and my car juddered to a halt. I secured the vehicle and bimbled back home to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in our cabin, I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my stockings and underwear and high heel sea boots and was wearing my make up!
We have been married for over 25 years, and when I confronted him he tried to make out he had dressed up in my skimpies because he couldn't find any of his own nix and sox!!
What can I do to prevent a recurrence?
Dear Mrs xxxxx,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line, pull the hose off the carburettor and check that fuel is reaching the inlet chamber. If this is clear, try taking a plug lead off and check that the coil is producing a spark. If there is a good spark and sufficient fuel, you may need to get a compression tester to check that the engine itself is ok. I hope this helps.
Yours sincerely,
The Doctor
PS Lock your skimpies away before you go ashore!!
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OPPO'S
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week.
MATELOT OPPOS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
MATELOT OPPOS: Are the reason you have no food.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
MATELOT OPPOS: Call your parents Mum and Dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong.
MATELOT OPPOS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Shipmate...we fxcked up ...but wasn't that fun!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MATELOT OPPOS: Cry with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MATELOT OPPOS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it is yours.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MATELOT OPPOS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
MATELOT OPPOS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowds that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MATELOT OPPOS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home, do you want a beer!'
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
MATELOT OPPOS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MATELOT OPPOS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, 'You had better drink the rest of that, you know we never waste it.' Then carry you homers and put you safely in your scratcher.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MATELOT OPPOS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in vain.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you "mate" as a term of endearment
MATELOT OPPOS: Will call you "Fecking Cnut" "Wanker" "Tosser" as a term of endearment
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MATELOT OPPOS: Are for life.
From Les Howard, Mick D'Arcy, Wally Wallace among others.
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