"Seabay"
Messdeck Mirth - Page 3
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The USS Obama

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...ENORMOUS!  BEAUTIFUL!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:  shoulder to shoulder, around 45 acres.  Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without re-fuelling.

  1.  Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years.
  2.  Carries over 80 combat aircraft.
  3.  Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400     feet.




New Warships Commissioned Today
Size

  1.  Towers 20 stories above the waterline.
  2.  1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall.
  3.  Flight deck covers 4.5 acres.
  4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds.
  5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons.
  6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity.
  7.  Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel.
  8.  Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days.
  9.  18,150 meals served daily.
10.  Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes.
11.  Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones.
12.  14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets (they have WE's too!).
13.  Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation.
14.  Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).
The HMS Gawdon Broon

Headed for Newcastle, the British Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.  The HMS Gawdon Broon set sail today from its home port of Skegness.

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to Prime Minister Broon for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while Prime Minister.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminium cans and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.  It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) (ex US Navy) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) (ex USAF) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing present.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.

The crew, hand-picked from the Civil Service, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Britain at all costs!

An on-board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find Britain offensive.  The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defence, but instead in times of conflict, the HMS Gawdon Broon has orders to seek refuge in Blackpool.

The ship may be positioned near the Labour Party Headquarters for phot-ops.

We should be very proud......!
(Les Howard - October 2009)


Negative People

Jenny, was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband Jack.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty..You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

We're going BA," was the reply.  "We got a great rate!"

"BA?"  exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.  I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe even get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.  You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant."

"Good luck on this lousy trip of yours.  You will need it."

A month later, Jenny came in for a hairdo.  The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained Jenny, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they  bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great!  They 'd just finished a $5 million re-modeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really,!  What did he say?"

He said, "Who the Fxck does your hair?!"
(Gary Tregunna - October 2009)