This young matelot, serving onboard the Mighty Manch, as a matter of fact, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but, you've guessed it, the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves whilst Jack got the knickers. Good old Jack sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we got out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Jack

PS. My Mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

(Pete Burnett - December 2007)

A Leander class frigate was anchoring in a Norwegian fiord, but at the critical moment lost comms between the foc'sle and the bridge. The foc'sle PO then details off his pet hate, AB "Connie" Francis to stand on top of the 4.5" turret as the comms link. So Connie is freezing his balls off on top of the turret. He can hear the bridge and hear the foc'sle, but the foc'sle and bridge can't hear each other.

The Skipper shouts down "Stand by Starboard anchor", Connie thinks 'I'll get me own back on that bastard down there', so he shouts, "Let go Starboard anchor". WHACK, slip comes off and away goes the anchor.

The Skipper shouts "What the fxxxing hell is going on down there?" Connie shouts, "Let go Port anchor", WHACK, off comes the slip and away goes the anchor, the PO beaming with pride shouts, "Both hooks gone Sir," Whilst Connie thinks, 'Yep, and three fxxxing badges with them!!'

(Richie Farman - December 2007)

There was this German matelot, Herman, enjoying a ship's visit to Pompey. Feeling horny he approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you".

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Pounds an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill pleez blow zis duck caller as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and Herman the German is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic Stuttgart stud, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing...What do you call that?"

"Ah", says Herman, "Four-sprung duck technique".

(Stevie Swaine - January 2008)

The CO's Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a sleek Pompey based Type 42 was about to start briefing his HoDs. While waiting for coffee to be served, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky on the last night alongside and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The 1st Lt chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

The WEO said it was 50-50%.

The MEO responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending of his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the CO turned to the Leading Steward who was serving the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young man responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The CO was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well Sir, began the Leading Steward, "If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them!!!"

(Anonymous - February 2008)

Dangerous Liaisons

Jack bimbles into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his pash, Jenny.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to Jenny and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Once upstairs, Jenny thinks, "I have a great idea, it's so see-through that it might as well be nothing, so I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get 150 spondoolies refund for myself."

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs; calls Jack, and strikes a pose.

Jack says, Fxck me!!, it wasn't that creased in the shop!!

Evidently he is due to leave hospital next month!!

(Glyn Harris - February 2008)

New Ships For The Royal Navy

Details have just been released regarding Britain's next generation of fighting ships: The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleets new Type 99 destroyers.

Costing £850 million each, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several hours and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly bridge comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt, and to cut down on the number of compensation claims, stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day. Each ship will also have it's own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!

All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and creche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Bum and the lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water and although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Condoms can be obtained from the Sick Bay in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and braille.

Ships Company members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women!

Meanwhile, hard working MoD civil servants are designing a "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive to some.

Sea Trials are expected to take place soon, and on completion the first of the new destroyers, HMS Cautious, will set out on her maiden mission escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. This will ensure they arrive safely at the Benefits office, and not be accosted by a flotilla of time served old age pensioners who have seen their meals on wheels and care home facilities scrapped.

Our popular Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflect the very latest of modern thinking, they were also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation. His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"

(Anon - February 2008)