Blonde!

This young voluptuous blonde walks into a bank in Liverpool and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her new Ferrari. the car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41. The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'

The blonde replies...'Where else in central Liverpool can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect all of it to be there when I return?'

(Anon - February 2008)

Say again!

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman, 'Hello, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Englishman.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going chum?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the river once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing to the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Welshman: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*cking liar!'

(Anon - April 2008)

The train was packed, and the US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed Middle-aged French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but he only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired."

She snorted. "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road, and now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!"

(Chris Way - March 2008)

Shopping at Tesco's

Jack and Jenny are shopping in Tesco's when Jack picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the

trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks Jenny.

"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", says Jack.

"Put them back, we can't afford it," says Jenny, and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later Jenny picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks Jack.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," says Jenny.

Jack says, "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***KING PRICE!"

(Anon - April 2008)

The Master at Arms was terribly overweight, so the PMO put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Master at Arms returned, he shocked the PMO by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

'Why, that's amazing!' the PMO said, "You obviously followed my instructions!"

The Master at Arms nodded...'I'll tell you though, I thought I were going to drop dead on the 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the PMO.

'No, from the fxckin' skipping!'

(Knocker White - April 2008)

Stop it!

Naval Officer V Glasgow Cop (mis-match)

A Naval Officer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a Naval Officer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

Naval Officer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Naval Officer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

Naval Officer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

Naval Officer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The Naval Officer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the Naval Officer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

(Anonymous - April 2008)