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Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students..?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test if Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife!!!

(Alan Ivison - November 2009)

Satan

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews spinning dits.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly ex matelot who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yes, I do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'No', said Jack.

Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'I don't doubt it for a minute,' replied Jack, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yes', was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'No', said Jack.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

Jack calmly replied, 'I've been married to your sister for 48 years...'

(Gary Tregunna - January 2010)

Irish Password Protection!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ......

'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'

(Helen Tidbury - January 2010)

Fondling In Bed

AFter 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just as the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in this same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

(Gary Tregunna - February 2010)