Sailors past and present are renowned for their superb sense of humour, and we have all been subjected to the phrase "If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined", so it only seems fair that there should be a slot so we can display some of the funnies that come our way.

All contributions are of course very welcome, but please do not be offended if your particular rib tickler does not make it into print. The PC Police are everywhere - with some getting their fun by spoiling other peoples - so we have had to exercise a degree of restraint and subtlety.

However, if you are of a delicate disposition this may be a good time to log off from this website.

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The Master at Arms was terribly overweight, so the PMO put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Master at Arms returned, he shocked the PMO by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

'Why, that's amazing!' the PMO said, "You obviously followed my instructions!"

The Master at Arms nodded...'I'll tell you though, I thought I were going to drop dead on the 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the PMO.

'No, from the fxckin' skipping!'

(Knocker White - April 2008)

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later?'

The Nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The Nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..'

The Nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The Nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

(Anonymous - April 2008)

Weight loss programme for Men

Jack, a matelot - ex Mighty Manch - is a little overweight, so he calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb weight loss programme.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company - the sign reads - "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the 5th day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs, as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound programme.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out of the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days he same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound programme.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme.

"Absolutely, says Jack, I haven't felt this good since I was on the Mighty Manch.

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

Jack lost 63 pounds that week!

(Anonymous - May 2008)

Late for work

Alan retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk. Alan, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic; you do a bang-up job. But your being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as to your fellow workers.

"Yes, sir", Alan replied, "I know. I'm truly sorry, and I am working on it."

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said, "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the Royal Navy, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"

"Yes, sir, I did retire form the Navy, and I'm mighty proud of it," said Alan.

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.

"They normally said, 'Good morning, Admiral.'"

(Richie Farman - May 2008)

Angry Alien

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, earthling, we come in peace, take us to your leader.'

The gas pump of course didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting, again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling, we come in peace, do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There as a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

)

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused hi three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

(Peter White - June 2008

Navy Chiefs

A crusty old admiral died and found himself standing before St Peter at the pearly gates... Peter welcomed him warmly, 'Come right in, Admiral - you've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!'

The Admiral looked through the gates and stepped up to St Peter, 'Just one thing, Pete, I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place.'

'Don't worry, Admiral, ' said St Peter, ' No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here.'

So, the Admiral goes on into Heaven... Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight...

It is a swaggering figure in blue, cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Pussers Rum in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm...

Incensed, the Admiral rushes back to St Peter and gets in his face, 'Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!'

'Don't worry, Admiral,' says St Peter gently...

'That's God...He just THINKS he's a Chief!'

(Peter White - June 2008)