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Sailors past and present are renowned for their superb sense of humour, and we have all been subjected to the phrase "If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined", so it only seems fair that there should be a slot so we can display some of the funnies that come our way.

All contributions are of course very welcome, but please do not be offended if your particular rib tickler does not make it into print. The PC Police are everywhere - with some getting their fun by spoiling other peoples - so we have had to exercise a degree of restraint and subtlety.

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, A Mouse and a Cat

The Moral of this story is BRILLIANT!!

This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the stream preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish..the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly...The bear grabs the fish...The hunter shoots the bear...The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...The cat jumps for the mouse...The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

(Alan Ivison - April 2010)

Olympic Swimmer?

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's alright, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible.'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked both sides of the Mersey!'

(Gary Tregunna - April 2010)

Royal Mail Recall

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Great Britain...Gordon Brown.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of £27.1million, a special commission presented the following finding:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

(Gary Tregunna - March 2010)

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop -

A can of red paint

A can of blue paint

and

a Shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.'

'If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw, you hit her with the shovel.'

(Tony Shingler - March 2010)

Jack & Jenny

Jack and Jenny were making passionate love in Jack's shaggin' wagon when suddenly Jenny, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out 'Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'

Jack, of a certain sleek Pompey based Type 42, and not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Jenny until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Jenny notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, 'Did you get these marks having sex?'

Jenny, a little embarrassed that she has fallen to Jack's undoubted charms, [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, 'I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.'

(Alan Ivison - February 2010)